why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
