I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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