He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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