god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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