why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
