So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
