her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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