The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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