I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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