When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
