how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I love having hate sex.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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