i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
