Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
