you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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