you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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