just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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