Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He passed out mid-signature
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
