Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
