he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
