I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we're making bets on your personal life
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize