i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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