put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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