You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The uberlube is also flammable
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize