Who wears a wallet chain?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
