I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish I only lived at night.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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