Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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