Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
