When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
