So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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