Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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