So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
