Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
