I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize