No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
