dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize