Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
