where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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