omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
