This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
how drunk are you?
Several
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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