you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
