we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
