big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize