we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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