Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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