I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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