am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
