At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
