The maid of honor just puked.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
