I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize