i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
