I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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