never play flip cup with pint glasses
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize