Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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