Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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