my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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